My body is broken.
In March 2011, I came down with a textbook bout of shingles (herpes zoster, or HZ, caused by the same herpes virus as chicken pox). The searing nerve pain in my back accompanied with rashes along my side and front put me out of commission for nearly a week. After the rash had cleared, I still had pain in a nerve cluster in my back (to the left of my spine, below my left shoulderblade). I thought it would lessen with time and disappear within a few months. It hasn't. I'm among the approximately 20% of people who develop postherpetic neuralgia after they develop HZ, and among the less than 10% of people under 60 who suffer from PHN after a bout of shingles. The pain is pretty constant, but ranges from a dull ache (like a muscle ache after exercise) to a sharp, searing pain (like the feeling of being burned, but in my nerve). There isn't really a permanent treatment for PHN; prescribed painkillers or antidepressants aren't my cup of tea (tea is my cup of tea), but over-the-counter analgesics aren't usually strong enough. Knitting (my favorite activity and something I'm constantly doing--I knit 3-4 hours a day on average) aggravates the pain, but not enough to stop. I'm used to the dull ache, it's become a kind of numbness.
I have some combination of bursitis/arthritis in my left hip that's probably caused by years of dance. My hip clicks when I walk--I can actually feel it--and standing, walking, or sitting too long usually causes a mild amount of pain and discomfort. My desk and chair at work are no help--my desk sits too high and I have to raise my chair up, which means my feet don't touch the floor (I'm only 5'1"), so I sit all folded up in my enormous chair made for an enormous American ass, and by the end of the day, my hip and back are both aching.
Yet my body is blessed.
I am still able to recall--often by mere muscle memory alone--complicated pieces of choreography, complex ballet steps, how to move gracefully across the floor. I can position my arms, my shoulders, my spine, my hips, into any of the five ballet positions without even having to think about it. I remember how it feels to be drawn up into my center, and with a little effort, I can still hold a relevé in fifth position for a few moments. I can keep my center when I do pirouettes in my socks on my parents' hardwood floors, and on a lucky day, I can manage a double. I remember how it is to move with purpose, to tell a story not with my voice, but with my legs, my neck, my arms, my torso, my spine, my head, my eyes. I can still be graceful and adagio, or sharp and modern. I can hear music, a beat, a song, and create movement in an instant, unselfconscious about the way my body moves because I know that as I hear, I also feel.
I am still young, and despite the pain, I am in good health. I rarely get sick, I get enough sleep (and sleep well), and generally I feel good. I feel blessed in this body, even as it inevitably breaks down.
