Last night I got a text that I ignored.
Like I have ignored all texts from this person for about the past 18 months (although there have only been a handful--maybe less than 5).
I ignore this person's texts because they did something so completely unforgivable to me that I can't even bring myself to reply to their texts to tell them to no longer communicate with me.
I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I see a text from this person, and I'm reminded of the terrible thing this person did to me.
Part of me thinks I'm dealing with it perfectly fine because I can forget about it most days. But it's the rememberings that hurt so badly, make me so angry at this person and at myself, that fill me with regret for those dark days of my life.
Last night's text mentioned something about their leaving Chicago and wanting to see me before they left. I don't know if this is for good, but I pray that it is. I don't have to worry (irrationally, I know) about running into them any time I'm in their old neighborhood or pretty much any time I'm around the city. I don't have to worry about when I'll get another text from this person and what it'll say. And maybe I can work on releasing the regret I have about the whole situation.
I've never been good about letting go of guilt and regret (who is?). But when it's something like this, it eats away at me--mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically. Part of this is about forgiving myself for being stupid at a bad time in my life. I'm not irredeemable. (Thank God for grace.)
I know I haven't been too good about updating my blog, but I needed to get these thoughts out, because that always helps me. To see it in writing cements a truth for me. (Hmm, can we say the Gospel?) And I hope this begins a new wave of writing for me; I'll try to keep up with adding posts, reviews, recipes, photos, etc. on a very much more frequent basis.
Peace--for you, for me, for all of us.
